Chili Judging Contest- A joke - Honda CBR1000 Forum :
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post #1 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 10:34 AM Thread Starter
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Chili Judging Contest- A joke


A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without
laughing then there's no hope for you.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city
park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch
is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover:
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
addin considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety:
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili:
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili.

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post #2 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 11:11 AM
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I couldn't finish reading it cus of the tears in my eyes...very funny

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post #3 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 11:18 AM
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HAHAHA I couldn't stop laughing...that was the funniest thing I've read in awhile

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post #4 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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Yea it's pretty good. I was crying the first time I read it too.

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post #5 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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Stupid double post

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Last edited by D0minate; 12-07-2012 at 12:28 PM. Reason: Double post
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post #6 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 11:31 AM
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That was hard to read. I couldn't stop laughing.


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post #7 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 11:46 AM
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How Effin ironic. I made chili last night. The last time I made it all the bros said it wasn't hot enough, so me being the asshole I am, poured the heat on. Needless to say everyone was crying, and we even sent someone for another beer run. And while sitting on the toilet I pull the phone out to find this.....I was totally crying with the guy!!!

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post #8 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 12:05 PM
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All you people's comments screwed me up. It was long, so I decided to read other's comment on it to see if it’s worth reading the whole thing, and everyone seemed to like it so much as if they were going to have hernia cause they laughed so hard. And I was expecting it to get the same reaction, I PHUCKING didn't even chuckle, may be ones… May be it is that funny and I screwed it with anticipation for myself.

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post #9 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 12:27 PM Thread Starter
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Haha I think u did!

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post #10 of 11 Old 12-07-2012, 12:57 PM
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Go in with low expectations..haha

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